Work

On friday I completely fucked up one job. I didn't just slightly stuff up the job, but monumentally screwed up; even worse my name was all over the case so I couldn't blame someone else. I fuck up writing the opening case notes, then fucked up writing the notes we work from. Screwed up the dispatch ticket to one of our technicians then when I dispatched a different technician to also take a look I fucked up his ticket as well. The second technician was so pissed off he blew up one of my colleagues over it. I'm glad he didn't talk to me, because by that time I was ready to put my fist through my computer screen.

Luckily the first tech was able to fix the fault. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have my manager on my case for a week or two now, stupid case.

Trifecta postponement

The Trifecta unfortunately had to be postponed for this weekend, and the next. I've got Martial Arts gradings I have to be at on both gradings. Next weekend I'm heading out Friday night, but still missing out Saturday night so many times is coming a bit annoying.

I'm starting to feel like I'm missing some of the old me from last year. The five balls me that could go up to any woman in a bar and start hitting on her. Maybe its just lack of practice. That's what this Trifecta is suppose to be all about, getting back into it; proving to myself I can still do it.

I sit at work and wonder, is this life? Is this everything there is to life? I come to work, I go home. Some nights I teach Martial arts, others I go to dancing. I usually get to hang out with mates, drink and go out clubbing one night in the weekend. Isn't everybody else doing about the exact same thing? I was trying to constantly join new things but something (usually work) comes up and stops me. I was part of the coastguard till I was rostered on every weekend from 4pm. I was out on the boats till 4pm and not back into town till about 4.30pm.

I even run my own business and am currently working on starting up a second one. None of these things make me feel like I'm living life to the fullest. Even when I was travelling around South East Asia and having all those experiences I didn't feel like I was living fully. Which seems incredibly strange. Wanting to accomplish things in your life isn't a bad thing. But never being happy with what you've accomplished is.

I'm called a busy person and rightly so; but I still want to fit more onto my plate. To really live life.

Dance: I don't know

I don't know what to do about Cheng anymore. I really like her, really like her. But everytime our relationship comes up she starts to worry, she's told me she's a worrier and worries to much; its just starting to get out of hand. Plus at the moment she's quite busy so we haven't had as much time to talk, and she's a bit stressed. She told me that when she's getting stressed she thinks about us and that when she worries. She worries that if we break up will we still be friends. If you think like that then your thinking negatively, which can of course lead to the very thing you don't want. She also said that when she's stressed she feels that its better to be single because she doesn't have to worry about anybody else. This all freaks me out because it sounds alot like a speech that Kate made once, and ended up with me getting my heart broken.

I'm back over to Malaysia end of August, but even I'm now thinking that this relationship may very well have an expiry date; and it's not because of me. I've been as supportive as you can be, but her negative attitude is really starting to bring me down as well.

Though there were a few good things she said. She said that when she's with guys she's always thinking about what's happening so as not to offend me. And that she wants to keep communicating with me about things like this, and wants to know what i'm thinking as well.

I honestly don't know what to do. And I'm nervous about what to do around her now because of all of it. I just want the days back when we first met, and there were nothing to worry about. We just had fun.

Time to get back into it

I haven't updated this in a long time, and when I have updated it I've been talking about Cheng. My life is busy at the moment, and though I've probably had a few things happen to me that were worthy of being written up I just didn't have the energy to put into it. I've also thought of rants I could of written but never did. The reason Cheng got written about is because I need somewhere to be able to release what I'm thinking and here is the perfect place. And yes I've got another Cheng post to make after this.

But this post is about getting back into it. You see a long time ago I wanted to take this blog and make it better. First I was going to give myself a pseudoname of Mag Aukland and make a site called magaukland.com. I even had most of the site made I was just having a few problems. I still really would like to do it. Present this blog to more people without having to worry about peoples identities being known. But I would need to get back into writing. But quickly, any web designers want to help finish the website I would really appreciate it.

I had a three day weekend last weekend and though I used it, and went out both Friday and Saturday night I didn't really party it up like I use to. This weekend nobody was keen to go out Friday night and after work tonight I don't feel like hitting town. Though an idea has came into my head. The Trifecta. Not just going out Friday, Saturday and Sunday night; but partying it up each of those nights. Next weekend I'm aiming to complete the goal. I'm going to try and get a bit of support from friends, have people to party it up with, but in the end the Sunday night might be up to me to complete by myself. And if I do this, well... I'll have another story to write about.

Stupid 16 year old

http://secrettolife.blogspot.com/2008/12/16-bit-to-young.html
Remember this post? Well the same girl was at the 30th I went to last night.

I walk in the door and straight away she comes up to me and starts talking to me. To not look like an arse I'm going to say that at this point in time there weren't many people she knew so I can hopefully put this down to me just being a friendly face.

She hanged around me most of the night, and ended up dancing with me a fair bit. Once again hopefully can all be put down to being one of the few people she knew. But when I say few there were at least 10 other people there she knew.

Even though she had a drink in her hand she started drinking mine. Maybe she just wants to drink alcohol when its easy to get now.

And at one point the physical contact got a bit more then normal. For some reason in a conversation she mentioned that she beats I like grinding, then seductively grinded me. And at another point when another guy and I were talking about Pole dancing I made the joke we could just use her as the pole. She happily lets me wrap my legs around her and try to spin round.


As I said possibly all signs of a girl that didn't know many people at the party and wanted somebody to hang out with. But if this happened normally I'd take all the signs as her being interested and start running game but as she's 16 obviously I'm not.

Where's the Game?

I had drinks at work on Friday night. The whole team got together ate pizza and had a few beers. As people started to leave I put out the idea that we go out into town and continue drinking, only one guy Dave was keen. Dave and I would occassionally talk about how to meet girls so I was looking forward to see how he operated.

Walking into Saints and Sinners I told Dave not to worry getting a drink just go straight into meeting Women, I'd get him a drink. After running a bombing run on the toilet I walked into the bar to find Dave standing at the bar texting with a drink in his hand. He didn't listen to a single thing I said. We go out back and I tell Dave I want to see his game. He walks out there and after sending a text off to John follow. This time he's standing next to a table full of guys watching the Rugby. I walk up to him "come on Dave there's two girls sitting on that couch with nobody talking to them", "but the other couches around them are filled with guys" he complains. With a bit of gentle persuasion he sits down on one of the couches. Does he strike up a conversation with the girls? No. He starts talking to the guys. Maybe this is all part of his plan. After waiting ten minutes it comes apparent that it isn't. I sit down next to him again and ask what's going on? Whatever he said basically amounted up to nothing. After grabing another drink at the bar I go and strike up a conversation with the girls on the couch. Then I realize that one of this is one of the girls on the plane from New Zealand to Australia and then Bangkok that I sat next to and talked to. We catch up with Dave coming over who after I introduce to the girls promptly leaves.

I see Dave standing at the bar next to two girl while he orders a drink. Taking pity on the guy I walk up and do an opening for him then leave hoping he'll do something. Talking to the girls on the couch again I once again look up to see that Dave has gone leaving the girls. I walk up to the girls and ask if they talked to my mate? "He didn't seem very interested in us. I think he wanted to talk to the girl next to us". "That Son of a Bitch! How impolite. You come all the way to New Zealand and he doesn't talk to you. Well my names Jeff and I'd like to talk to you". I get there names and then who walks in, Dave. "Dave get over here. These two girls have just told me that you didn't talk to them. They're both upset about how impolite you were" I put my arm around one of the girls who puts her head into my shoulder. I already know I'm doing perfectly. Dave buys a round and then disappears again. I talk to the girls more. Two of their friends turn up and we continue talking. Wondering where the hell Dave is and not wanting to pursue the any further I leave the girls to their night.

I ring Dave who tells me that he's at home. Uhhhh. Come on people somebody around me must actually have some form of game. I'm telling you from what I've seen even the most good looking guy probably is nervous meeting Women. I'll watch guys just stand by the bar or their mates and look at the girls right next to them and never do anything. I'm guessing that they're hoping that the girl were start up the conversation, or something else will happen that will provide the opener. Unfortunately while they're waiting I'm walking straight up to them and meeting them.

Why do you not put a recent photo?

On Sunday I met up with a girl I met on an online dating site. Why? Why don't you put up a recent photo? It was obvious the minute she stepped into the cafe that the photo wasn't recent. Well it wasn't obvious straight away because I didn't realize it was her until she said 'hi' to me. It wasn't just in the body that was larger it was the face as well. Now I'm not saying being larger is bad, but if you don't put up a recent photo things aren't going to go well. And it says to me you have low self confidence.

Anyway we sat and had a bit of a talk. It wouldn't of mattered what she looked like her personality was not something that attracted me. She's not the type of girl I could be with.

I actually think going on this coffee with this girl was a good thing. At the end of it I remembered when I first meet up with Cheng and how I felt then. Straight away I felt confident around her. We talked and laughed. And as we came closer over the few days we were together those feels just came stronger. I didn't get this same feeling with this girl.

After seeing goodbye I never sent her a text and she hasn't sent one to me. I'm expecting that means she doesn't want to pursue a friendship either.

Black Pearl: A let down

Bronwyn has been telling me we have to go out for dinner and catch up. We finally made a plan to catch up on Friday. I sent her a text during the week asking her if there was a resterunt she wanted to go to, or should I just pick. She told me I could pick.

Friday night comes I give her a call the time I said I would. Goes straight to voicemail. I send a text, telling her to text me her address. Go have a shower. Come out no reply. So I call her again in case she's out of credit. Voicemail once again. I wait 30 minutes. Give her one last call, which goes to voicemail.

I can't believe this bullshit. She wanted to go out for dinner. I'm only glad that we agreed that I'd pick her up and not that we'd meet at the resterunt. From now on if she wants to hang out she can arrange the damn thing. And then text me on the day to tell me its still on.

Still got it

Things with Cheng have been going okay. She has a moment where she gets all nervous about everything. I act calm and collected, like I know everything's going to be fine. I don't tell her that I get nervous about things as well. Some weeks we see each other online all the time, other weeks we barely see each other. I've almost got the time off for end of August to go back to Malaysia to see her.

The thing is I'm getting bored of being by myself here. When your in a relationship you expect to be able to spend time with this person in a physical sense. When I was single I might not of had that person to spend time with but I could go after women with out any problems with morals and ethics. I'm in a long distant open relationship, and I've started to use the open part to meet other people. For most of the time I haven't wanted to meet other people but with Cheng having numerous times bought up the idea of us breaking up I have started to seek the safety in knowing I could have other options if I wanted to. Because of this and because I was at work one night and incredibly bored I signed up to an online dating site just to have a play. Wasn't really expecting anything. Except seems one of the girls I sent a smile to had a gold account and sent me a message. After messaging we're going for a coffee tomorrow. Now I'm not saying anything will happen. I told her I didn't know what I was looking for and maybe just friendship. But still I sometimes feel bad. Though I also just see it as increasing my friendship circle.

And tonight Tree text me. We've made plans to meet up Monday night for a drink. That's two girls in two days. Heroic, yes. But dangerous. Meeting up with them as friends, or to come friends; that's okay. But to meet up with them in the pursuit of a relationship is not okay.

But being so far apart from Cheng, and with her getting nerves all the time. Going out and meeting new people could help reafirm what I want to have with Cheng. It could also make me cheat on her in the proper sense of the word.

Then again it is an open relationship. Open to meet new people.

Oh and some damn hot girls sent smiles to me. There's this one indian girl...damn. Which is the exact reason I'm not buying a gold account so I can't contact all those girls.

Am I just brave or is everybody else just a wimp?

Its came obvious that either one of the follow two things are true. Either I'm exceptionally brave in putting myself out there, or everybody else are exceptionally wimpy.

I can only think up a few examples at the moment, here they are.

Many years ago when I went to Church for the first time. I walked into the Church by myself sat down and over the following weeks started to meet people. People told me I was brave for doing this.

I've recently taken up dance classes because Cheng is a dance instructor and is really into it. I'm dancing with one girl asking her about why she came down. She tells me she came with her friends. I tell her I just came down by myself. She finds this a brave thing to do.

And when I told various people that I was going on large parts of my holiday by myself they thought this was a brave thing to do. That I would join tour groups by myself, go to Countries I've never visited before by myself and meet people for the first time in the hopes we would click and they would be able to show me around was brave.

Would nobody else do these things? Is putting yourself out there, giving it a go because its something you want to do, not in other peoples blood?

This also relates to my relationship side. When it comes to relationships I'm all for just going with the flow and getting on with it. If things are going well, they might make me nervous to think that things could change but I'm not going to let that stop me. Things with Kate went really well and moved really fast. This scared her. Looking at it one way she was the one that wimped out, while I was ready to be brave and actually see how things would go. Cheng shows the same things. We met, we got a connection. But can this work out? Is meeting somebody for so little time, less then a week. A plausible reason to try a relationship. It most peoples books, most people who wimp out at the idea of going to something by themself I'm sure its not. I'm not most people. I'm ready to give it a go. For the adventure. For the story. But mostly because when I look at these opportunities, all of them. From going to church, travelling the world, taking a dance class and of course starting a relationship. I don't look at it and see a potential catastrophe, I look at it and see the happy ending I want; and that's what I aim for.

We've talked about the idea of her coming here to live. I don't know how far it'll go. Even though we may spend 8 days in August together and then another 10+ days over Christmas. For her and most people this wouldn't be enough time spent together to make a life altering decision. There's only one person either stupid enough or brave enough to risk everything for a chance. That's why I've been putting my C.V out to recruitment companys in Singapore, why I've been thinking how I could move over closer to her. Because while everybody else is asking their friends to come with them to the dance class, trying to organise people, finding no other friend wants to so they don't go. I've already gone, i've meet new people, I'm learning something new and I'm having a great time.

I follow this path in all my undertakings in life. My work, my business, my friendships, my relationships, my life. In 20 years time if you want to know how I got there, you can read this post I write today. There was something I wanted to do, a dream, happiness and I took the risk to go after it.